Listen, I know you're not going to take me seriously when I tell you Battleship was a super great movie, but I'm still going to try to tell you anyway. I saw Battleship on Memorial Day and you know people have complained about the title of this movie and how it's based on a board game and I'll agree, Battleship is not the best name for the movie—it should have been called Memorial Day because Battleship, like Independence Day was the greatest Fourth of July movie, is the greatest Memorial Day movie. In it all of the the branches of our military are represented and all rise to protect not just America but the entire Earth from alien invasion and to watch it just filled me with pride in our armed forces. Some people, okay, many people, watched saw the previews of Memorial Day, I mean Battleship, and were like "pffft, are you kidding me? Why should I watch that? It looks like Transformers." and to those people I say "Get serious! You really think the man who behind Friday Night Lights, Tim Riggins and Landry Clark would all make a bad action movie?" Because they didn't make a bad action movie, they made the BEST action movie.
Why is it so best? For one, there is Action! Boats get blown up, buildings get toppled, children stand face to face with certain alien death, villains get shot pointblank by enormous firearms, it goes on and on. Also, there is Suspense! It gets dark and mysterious at night out on the water and the movie's namesake inspiration (now I refer to the boardgame, not the holiday) is implemented in the absolute best way it could have been implemented. And also also, somehow, you start to care, at least a tiny bit, about our heroes. And the plot ramps up, there's an actual final act and it's exciting . . . I mean, we all know the earthlings are going to win, right? But HOW will they win? It's a legitimate question because the odds stack and stack against them. Let me tell you how they win: In a totally awesome way that will make you cheer, that is, if you have any warmth in your heart at all.
I post this review as an urgent service, the days remaining to see Battleship in theaters are certainly few. Like Speed Racer before it, this is a movie that the critics raged against and it never found its audience but I haven't met anyone who saw Battleship that didn't think it was totally fresh just like I've never met anyone who saw Speed Racer and didn't give it a big double-thumbs up.
Other Movies I Saw on Memorial Day Weekend:
Moonrise Kingdom: Twice. Because it's the best and I will be seeing it again.
Men in Black 3: The best Men in Black movie ever made! Were I not so overcome by Battleship I would have written a three paragraph tribute to this movie. Sorry, MiB3, you were unexpectedly rad but you were not Battleship.
Bernie: Would you believe I was 4 for 4 (or 5 for 5) on my Memorial Day weekend movies? Because Jack Black is brilliant as a small town funeral director in this giddily dark comedy. I liked 2/3rds of it a whole lot and only just liked 1/3rd, but it's a treat. The real life townspeople in the movie (as it's based on a real life crime story) were even better than Black. No. A perfect counterpart to Black, that's what they were.
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