In New Moon there was this short sequence, where a group of unsuspecting tourists are ushered into the Volturi chambers to be slaughtered and eaten, that was so incredibly sinister and dark in tone when compared to the rest of the fairy tale it took place in--I loved it. Suddenly I was watching a real monster movie. Similarly, the birth of Bella's vampire baby and Bella's transformation into a vampire (or Snow White?) are so grisly and bloody and intense, it's such a surprise and it's so good. I'd have to say that the very last two seconds of the movie were so, uhh, perfect? that I actually can't wait for the next movie? It was like a preview for a real horror movie and, well, I know the next movie isn't going to be a real horror movie, but it did leave me wanting to know what was going to happen right after [redacted for spoileriness even though its probably unnecessary].
Okay, but the rest of the movie? Sheesh.
Having already been familiar with the key nonsensical plot-points of Breaking Dawn I was able to make it through this movie alive. I don't know how someone who hadn't been prepped with the details of this story could live through the movie without their head exploding.
But to its credit, I liked that the movie was absolutely unapologetic about the stupider elements of Stephanie Meyer's tale. For example, when Bella tells Jacob the names she's picked out for the vampire baby, Jacob reacts like he's just heard two stupid baby names and Edward is kind of like "well, can't do anything about these crazy names my 18 year old bride has picked out." The movie doesn't try to act like these names are normal, or present them in such a way to suggest an audience member is dumb for not thinking they're beautiful.
Hold on. You know that Bella names the baby "Renesmee", right? It's a combination of her mom's name and Edward's mom's name. After the movie I joked that if it were a boy she should have named it "Charlisle" or "Carly" after its grandparents. I've since learned that "Carly" is Renesmee's middle name. It's like Twilight unabashedly beats you to every joke you wanted to make about it.
And now, bullet points:
- I thought Bella's nightmare wedding was kind of cool, better than her real wedding
- Is Bella's back really that long?
- I liked the toasts. That was some genuine goodnatured fun right there.
- Isla Esme seemed like a cool place. I spent a few days in a Brazilian tropical island paradise myself two years ago so I could relate a lot to their experience there.
- And when they were dancing in Rio? That was totally supposed to be Lapa, and I've been there! But from my experience there are more robberies.
- Whenever I see someone hire a private jet with a moment's notice I just think that's real cool. Even if it's in a made up story.
- BEST PART: Do I even have to say it? But the angry wolf standoff/psychic pow wow. One of the funniest things I've seen in a theater in years. Giant wolves speaking to each others' minds is something that just doesn't translate smoothly from book to film.
- When Bella drinks the blood? And she looks awful? And the blood is on her teeth? Pretty cool. Like watching Fear Factor or Jackass.
- When Jacob was entering the Cullen house after the birth and I realized he was about to see Renesmee for the first time I got so excited I couldn't help but exclaiming, far too loudly, "He's going to fall in love with the baby now! He's going to fall in love with the baby!"
- And the Imprinting montage was so good. It was smart of them to show us Renesmee as a grown up. Makes it less creepy.
- Baby Renesmee was made with a computer, right? I mean, that wasn't a real baby, right? She was a Toy Story baby, correct?
I think that's everything. I just want to say that Breaking Dawn, pt.1 didn't kill me, it made me stronger. I want to see Part 2 at midnight in Gilbert, Az. I want to experience the full final-Twilight meltdown.